Monday, May 9, 2011


I cant believe I have not blogged here for a year (and 4 months.) Wouldnt it have been great to have been able to say I worked out every single day for the last 16 months? Ah, well. I did work out for 6 weeks at the beginning of this year, and lost ten lbs. But then, well, I dont know, an alligator burned down my house, who the heck knows?
But I have a cruise to get skinny for, folks.
In March of 2012, (if the Mayans were wrong and the world is still around) I will be married for ten years! In honor of that, Joe and I are going on a disney cruise! My chipmunk cheeks are not invited. But unless I send those annoying chipmunks packing with a strict workout routine for next ten months, they be hitching a ride.
So, at the gym, I saw an infomoercial for TURBOFIRE! I am a sucker for infomercials. This time was no different. I treadmilled and resolved that I would be a turbofire maniac. Chipmunk cheeks are about to die. Well, today, I finally got to start my turbofire fantasy! I was convinced that in one short hour, I would be well on my way to looking like the turbofire workout instructor, Chalene! Here she is.
Gorgeous. Ripped. A blonder me (in a few weeks.) Well, here is what I thought of my first turbofire workout.
What? I'm supposed to be thinking? Go away, I'm too busy dying.
It was insane. And I made it through a THIRD of the 55 minute workout. And I stopped about 12 times in those 20 or so minutes.
But tomorrow, I will do it again!!!!!!!!! And eventually, I WILL make it through the whole workout series and look like Chalene. I will. I am a princess. I deserve to have prince charming's six pack, but I'm the princess. More details, as in weight and yucky before and after photos later. Right now, just pray for me that I wil get through hell week. (The turbofire 'hazing' period. Not kidding.)
Eat your heart out Minnie. I'm coming to your boat and I'm going to steal your mouse.
Sexy Melanie.
The end.
See ya tomorrow!

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Quick post, as my baby is starving, and getting fussier by the second!
I have broken the barrior! Whoopwhoop!
I eat fat. I should have a shirt that brags, I eat fat. And thus, despite my workouts that involved tons of sweat and lots of loud grunting (you burn more calories when you are exercising and go AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! Its true, just watch The Biggest Loser) I was stuck at 171. Ugh. Today, I got up and tried to ignore the scale taunting me in the bathroom. Like the Lotto, you're never going to see the numbers you want to see, but like the Lotto, you keep going back. (Well, I dont 'cuz I be a Mormon, but I thought it was a good analogy anyway) My friend Lucy (See Lucy? Told you I'd do it!) suggested I rid myself of post workout despiar and throw my scale out the metaphorical window. So for two days I did. I resisted weighing myself. Once I did, but the batteries were low so I didnt see my number come up, but I still count that as not weighing myself. This mornign I stared at the scale while I brushed my teeth, and I stared at the scale while I paid homage to the porcelain queen, and stared at the scale as I dressed. Oh wahat the heck. I love you Lucy! But....I GOTTA KNOW!!!
I stood up on it and....167!! Heck yeah! Now, I know that number will disappear as soon as I eat breakfast, but who the heck cares! For five minutes today, I weighed 167. Whoohoo! Ok, I have to tend to my screaming babe now, so more posting latuz!
ciao for now!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My bum is buoy-licious!

Hello all,
so, I seriously stink at this blogging about my jello like body, but oh well. I will blog occasionally, but rest assured (since I know this fact has been keeping all my half dozen readers awake o'nights) I HAVE indeed been working out! There ain't nothing like consistency, which is why I have been doing the exact same two workouts for two weeks! But, until I get lost on the huge empty plain known as PLATEAU, I am going to stick with what I do. I wonder if when you plateau do you still sweat? And if so, and you aren't losing weight, what exactly are you burning? Brain cells? Reserves of urine? Hmm....I will have to look into that. ANYWAYS.
A few more reasons I love the pool.
It makes you really skinny. Seriously, you're swimming, you reach down and feel a flat stomach! And...could it be possible....RIBS! Hello ribs! I didn't know you were still around! And there are, gasp, 24 of you! Holy moly! I thought I had four! And this may not be true for all of you, but out of the pool I generally have a pretty sad little butt. Its not fatless, its just flat. Its flatty. I don't fill out a single pair of pants. My denim bootie looks like a deflated balloon. Poor girl. BUT, or should I say BUTT, when I am in the pool, it gets dang freaking bootie-licious! Or rather, BUOY-licious! I have a buoy-licious bum in the pool! Heck yeah! I stand in the shallow end, and indulge in a little shake a shake, and before you know it, I am having quite the rump romp! I sometimes get a little carried away romping my rump, and its not unusual to look up and see people staring at me strangely as I stand there holding my arms in the air and gyrating my sweet, aqua inflated bum in gleeful circles. Then I turn red and start doing my retarded breastroke again (but counting my newly discovered rib cage to console my embarrassed self).
Ok, so despite my crazy workouts I have been doing, my weight is still stuck at 171. This morning I got up and it was 169.9! But then I put all my clothes on and let go of the shower bar I was coincidentally, and irrelevantly holding while weighing myself (That only takes off a pound? Dang!) So, that's ok. I will be the most heart healthy fat woman out there. It has been suggested (and IMMEDIATELY denied) that my afternoon love of cookies may have something to do with this problem. Hmmm, bad nutrition cancelling out lots of THERE'S a novel idea....I will have to ponder on that while I eat this cookie here.
Anyways, so that's all for now. YES I have been exercising, NO I have not been pigging out, YES I have been indulging in the occasionally frequent cookie, NO my weight has not gone down from 171! Life is still good. : )
Incidentally, it is raining cats and dogs, but me-OW I am still going to the gym! Until I am dog tired! Can I get a Woof woof?!!
Ciao for now!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I really have been working on my bod, just not my blog!

Hello all,
11 days after my last post, in which I swore I was back, I am now officially back! As before stated, I was working on my bod, just not my blog! But I am determined to exercise, and only slightly less determined to blog about it!
I went back to the gym last Tuesday. Since it was my first day back, I went swimming because it is my most favorite way to exercise and I thought, maybe that will help me jump right back into the deep end of exercise! Hardy har har. Things went swimmingly.
Except...I had to get back into the habit of NOT paying attention to certain things. Things that would scar me for life and keep me forever and ever out of the pool. For instance,
I did NOT notice the fact that when there are a ton of people in the pool (which there were-not that I was noticing - because of new years resolutions. 2010 is apparently the year everyone and their brother has sworn that they will get a little less jiggly) you can in fact, smell everyone's wet, chloriney sweat.
I did NOT notice all the strange swimming attire people strangely see fit to wear to the pool, such as string bikinis, tee shirts, bicycle shorts, those black mesh shirts from night at the roxbury....)
I definitely DID NOT notice when many people would come out of the steam room and sauna, glistening with their dripping sweat, and hop right into the pool without even glancing at the poolside shower.
I absolutely, positively DID NOT pay heed to the disturbing speculation that WASN'T in my mind about who of these several dozen swimmers have weak bladders upon contact with warm water.
Because I completely banned these thoughts from my mind, I was able to finish my heart racing workout in the pool. Granted, I am no sleek female version of Michael Phelps, but I get the job done. I breastroke like a drunken dog, and I use the paddle board like a dog having seizures, but I get my heart rate up, and contribute mightily to that distinctive aroma of pool sweat (not that I notice it) and thus I burn some calories, whoohoo!
After my pool workouts last week, I ellipticaled and treadmilled until I had done a 70 minute workout every day. I only swim every other day. The days in between I get on the elliptical machine for 40 minutes, and the treadmill for 30. These days are not as meditative (you cant swim with an ipod on, unfortunately) but much more active! And sweaty. I am the type of person who dances, AND lip syncs on the treadmill and elliptical. I give the gym quite a show. Though no one is looking. Seriously. When my bootie is a-bouncin' and my mouth is a-screaming (silently) I catch some serious air! So should I be put out that no one notices? Nah, just grateful. I can do my own thing in the craziest, weirdest way possible, and everyone is so focused on their own workout that they pay no mind to me! That's why I love the gym. Unless you are there with a friend, despite all the public machines and crowded pool, and blinding overhead lighting, you are still in your own world. For a stay at home mom, this "me" time is priceless.
Ok, brass tacks.
Before I had the baby, before I started exercising, my starting weight was 178. Yikes! Right before I had the baby, like, the day before, my weight was 201. With exercise, I was able to keep my weight from reaching Big Bertha-like proportions, but I was over 200 pounds.
Geez Louise!!!
Oh, well. I committed to the humiliating truth, and I am sticking to it.
Also because of my pregnancy workouts, I lost all me baby weight by a week after delivery. And there I stay. HERE I stay. Sigh. I have killed myself for the past two weeks, and I have not lost one pound. Not even one half of one pound!!! ARRGGHHH!!! My weight currently is 171. And it is determined to stick around like those annoying guests who never leave. My 171 pounds love me so much they don't want to leave me, I should feel flattered. Well, that's all for now, but if 171 is still on the scale by the end of next week, me and it are going to take it outside, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Anyways, I am determined to blog more about my life at the gym. And how I AM going to be smoking hot just in time for my summer road trip to el presidente mountain! (Mount Rushmore.)
Ciao for now peeps!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A new decade...a hotter me

So, when I wrote "Here I go again" in the last post, I wasn't lying. I really did go to the gym for 13 straight weeks! It was awesome. I was pregnant the whole time, and so I inevitably got bigger instead of smaller as I exercised, but it didn't matter, I looked better, I felt better, and I still had an almost ten pound baby, but that was a matter of predestination. I had to stop exercising to have the baby (sweet, beautiful Daisy) and wait, gasp, 6 whole weeks! It has been a long 6 weeks. But, I know I can do it because I proved I could do it when I exercised for 13 weeks in my third trimester, dang it! Tomorrow I go to Dr. Diaz's office for my 6 week postpartum. I am counting on the fact that she is going to say to me, alrighty Melanie, get your pudgy (now that is a word that conjures up images of quivering cellulite) bum back on that treadmill! Yeah! HECK yeah! I am all set. So, here is a list of reasons why I CAN do it.

1. I did it before! Every day for 13 flipping weeks!
2. I found something I enjoy doing, swimming. Sure, I kind of look like a retarded dog when I swim, but it gets my heart rate up so it still counts!
3. I have successfully achieved the goal of getting Daisy to take a bottle so that I can go at night time while Joe takes care of her.
4. Joe is willing to take care of her for a couple of hours for me at night so I can do it!
5. Heavenly Father wants me to take care of my body, so He will help me exercise
6. I live so close to the gym that I really have no excuse not to go.

Okay, now here is a list of why I WANT to do it.

1. I really want to feel feminine and pretty, and sexy. Especially since I am starting to feel really, really far away from that land called Youth.
2. I want Joe to think of me as feminine and pretty and sexy. Ego boost!
3. I want to make myself feminine and sexy and pretty FOR Joe because I love him so much that its me giving him an i love you gift.
4. I want to be healthy. I want to take care of this body that I have been given.
5. I want to have tons of energy so that I can be a good mom, a fun mom, an active mom for my kids.
6. ONE time before I hit my thirties (gulp, I cant believe I have reached an age where "thirties" is sooner rather than later...) I would like to be thin again. If I can hit the 120's, I will be thinner than I have ever been since Joe and I have been together. I haven't been 12o something since I was 16 years old.
7. I want to look good for when we go to Mount Rushmore this summer! Hot mama on vacation
8. If I can get in the habit of taking the best care of myself that I can right now, than I will be off to a good start on how I want to be as Daisy's mom. I want her to have great self esteem. I realize that I need to teach her so many things to have great self esteem. As far as the physical part of it goes, its a two parter. On one hand, if I have good self esteem about myself, if I show her that I love and value myself enough to take great care of myself, than she will learn from that example. The second part is that by getting fit now, I will also eat better, do my hair and makeup more, have better hygiene, etc. Again, this will teach her by example. If Daisy is fit and healthy, if she exercises and has good grooming habits, than she will feel so much better about herself. I realize that I will teach my boys by example as well, but I don't think I will have as much influence on them as I do on Daisy. Maybe I'm wrong though. We'll see!

There are probably more motivations, and I will list them as I think of them! So, Tomorrow is the big day! Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my skinny life...Heck yeah!!!

And as far as food, I'll think about that later.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Here I go...again

Here I go again!

I have now made this blog public, so that anyone besides me (although I do not intend to spread the news about this blog so it will probably still remain just me) can read all my thoughts on becoming skinny. Or the goal therof.
Today is my first day of my seventh week of exercising! The first week was hiking in Wa, but I still count it because hiking whips your bum! Actually, getting started was hard today. I have always, always wanted to exercise for 6 weeks straight, and I finally did it! But when I accomplished that goal, all of a sudden it was like, Oh. Now to....keep going past 6 weeks....
And, when I remembered how the last 6 weeks seemed like such a long time, I then realized I have to get through two more 6 week periods before I have this baby! So, this morning I was tired. But, I did it! I followed my routine to the letter, and pumped out 65 minutes of cardio on the elliptical and the treadmill! Easy cardio, I do have a gigantic, irremovable baby fanny pack attached to my front at the moment. So, will tomorrow be easier? We'll see! I do like exercising though. I wouldnt say I love it...yet...but I am hoping to make it as much a part of my life as eating is. And maybe one day I will be walking along, and unbeknownst to me, someone will look at me and think, Will I ever be in shape like that? For shizzle. And Joe, you told me when I got down to my wedding day weight you would cruise me shipstyle on down to the carribean, so I am holding you to that bucko!!!
Ciao, Melanie

Thursday, September 25, 2008

My quest to get skinny

So, here i go!
Joe just got weight loss surgery. It made me feel happy for him, but jealous also. Now it will be so easy for him to lose weight. Granted, he won't be able to eat very much anymore, and if he eats the wrong thing, he can die, but still. They took out the gland that makes you hungry! So, can I stick to a weight loss plan? Sigh. I wasn't even skinny back in junior high and high school, so it's not like i would be returning to any spectacular body, or anything. Basically, I have never been really fit. So, assuming that I would be able to lose the weight I needed to, I would essentially be starting "the first day of the rest of my life as skinnymelanie." It would be a new person. One never seen before. So, I have started this blog. For me. And I love the computer, so I will stick to it. It's weird, having a "private" place in a very public domain. Like, if I were sleeping in a train station, or hiding in the closet at a football game. But, I can do it, I mean, it's like when I don't want to do something, but I know that my brain controls my limbs. So, I think, okay brain, make my arms lift that thing, or whatever. Clean, hands, clean! So, I know that I can force myself to go to the gym. I can say no to that piece of candy. I can make myself go to the grocery store and buy the necessary items for starting the diet I recently acquired on ediets. It's like the chain of command.
I control my brain.
My brain controls my limbs.
My limbs do what they are told.
So, if I can force my brain to tell my limbs to do what they are told to do, and ignore the rest, maybe I can get to be skinnymelanie.
My main problem is rationalization. One day, I think I need to lose weight. The next, I just think, whatever. I need to keep the desire to be skinny in front of me at all times. It is really the only way Satan hands out positive reinforcement, by telling us we are ok just the way that we are. Seriously. Sigh. But, I am going to tey and do at least one thing every day for my diet, so I can blog about it. Then, if I am a mess one day, I can blog abut why I ate what I did, so I can recognize why I ate junk, or did not exercise, and then come up with solutions for it. I am also going to weigh me and Joe in every day, so we can see our progress, and stay motivated.

Okay, according to the scale in the bathroom,
174 pounds!

My Goal weight is
125 pounds
That means I have to lose approximately 50 pounds.

Ok, if I lose one pound a week, that is only a year and two weeks.
I can do that!

Remeber, skinnymelanie,